Calling all Shadchans...
It's been a year and half since I began dating in the frum world in Israel. I'm 32 and listened to the advice of my Rabbi's that it's best to wait until I was solid in my Yiddischite to begin the dating process. So, when I arrived in Israel last November, I was excited to throw my hat into the ring. I'd heard so many great things about how wonderful the Orthodox dating process was - highly effective and perfectly designed. I'd been told about how nice it was to work with Shadchans, and how supportive they were throughout the process. I was so excited to begin and I knew my b'sheret was just around the corner.
And while I'm certain he still is right around the next corner - I am becoming nearly as certain that he's not going to be coming through any Shadchan I've met here so far.
The best way I can describe my meetings with Shadchan's is that it's the psychological equivalent to an OB/GYN exam. Painful, embarrassing, but unfortunately necessary. There are some Shadchan's that attempt to be kind and sensitive; however, the majority seem more focused on judging personal preferences, criticizing, or trying to sell broken wares. I'm tired of it! And I know a lot of other people are too.
Today I met with Shadchan #37. I was criticized for not wanting to date someone that is shorter than 5'6". I am 5'5" tall and in my 32 years of both religious and secular dating, I have never been physically (or shall I call it what it really is) sexually attracted to someone shorter than that height. I am a grown woman and know myself rather well. Does this make me shallow? If so - then so be it! I'm shallow. Whew, the cat's out of the bag now. I also incurred a slight criticism for wanting to marry someone with a "parnassah" - a real one I might add. Not someone that works a minimum wage job, with no education, and is "finding himself" at Yeshiva. How dare I lack bitachon and faith that H-shem will provide. I ought to go back to Yiddishchite 101 and learn that every good frum girl must strive to live an ascetic lifestyle of deprivation in a torn-down tenament apartment. Or wait, was that Buddhism?!?
Or, how about the two Shadchan's that spent 50 out of our 60 minute discussion speaking about themselves? No matter how many times I tried to refocus the conversation on my shidduch, they veared off in a dementia-like tirade about some story or other that really had no application to the situation AT ALL. And then I still had to pay them their 100 shekels for the pleasure of their conversation - which might have been worth it if they even made an ounce of sense!
Or, what about the good majority of them that don't even take the time to return a simple phone call. How hard is it? Why is your time any more important than mine? Pick up the phone - CALL ME BACK!!! It's not rocket science. I leave a message. You call back. Not so hard, right?
And we can't forget those that actually do answer the phone, but won't spend 3 minutes exploring other possibilities or opportunities since it's been five months since our last meeting. How hard is it to give me three minutes of your time? You're still earning an average of 40 shekel per minute based on what I paid you. Talk to me for goodness sake!
Or, what about those other Shadchan's that promise not to waste my time and will only send me people that are "good potentials." Well, one of those sent me a man that I sensed upon my first meeting had a serious anger issue. (The fact was later confirmed that he was a former drug dealer/user and used to beat his girlfriend). But hey, he had some good references from some great Rabbi's! My question is - how can I spot this fact in 45 minutes and the Shadchan (with years of experience and a professional MSW background) didn't seem to see it. Could it possibly be the fact that his dad was a big donor to the Yeshiva played a role? Call me skeptical - but I have to wonder if I would have been the Korban to retain a happy donor.
Or, how about those other Shadchan's that meet you for an hour, take their 200 shekels, and then never call again. Oh wait - they were mentioned above in the "why don't you call me back" section.
I'm certainly trying as hard as I can. I'm doing my hishtadlus. But I don't have the koach to deal with "them" anymore.
And I think that's what it all boils down to. I'm calling them every two weeks. I'm being as kind, honest, and straightforward about what I'm looking for as I possibly can be. And up until today, I was facing it all with a certain level of optimism. And, in all fairness, some of them are actually listening. Some of them are decent. Some of them have even becomes friends. And I send a HUGE THANK YOU to those Shadchan's that have at least listened to my needs, respected them, and sent me some decent suggestions. Truth is - (most) of the dates haven't been nearly as painful as the process itself. The men have been nice, kind, and some have even been slightly normal.
What I don't understand is why so many of these Shadchan's are trying to make me feel "guilty" about what I'm looking for, or try to make me feel like I'm asking for too much. Why shouldn't I want everything for the most important decision of my life? It's not like I'm asking for things that I, myself, haven't accomplished. I've worked hard in my life. I went to a good University, I have a good career, I study Torah diligently, I'm a kind person, and I also am not half-bad looking. When looking for a partner shouldn't I want some common ground? I'm also pretty smart - just born that way - I take no credit on my own. But that being said, how can someone dare tell me that intelligence is not so important? Another shadchan insisted that I consider going out again with a man that I had to speak slowly to and change my vocabulary as if I were speaking to a 10 year old? I should go out again? Are they insane? Don't they know what they are doing to people's lives?
And that is my greatest concern here - not just my life, but what this process is doing to a lot of other people as well.
Since I've been in Eretz Yisrael, I've seen many weddings. Very quick, "haredi-style", run to the Chupah in 6 dates and get married kind of things. Some have resulted in beautiful marriages. But there are others - too many for my comfort level - that are already on the rocks in less than a year. Marriages that had red flags with neon highlights waving from 80 foot high flagpoles. But some brilliant Shadchan somewhere - talked them into it. Told them things like: Attraction will grow. Or he doesn't complement you because it's not tznius - I'm sure he'll warm up after you're married. Or don't worry about parnassah, Hashem will provide. While there's an element of truth in each one of these statements, the general majority of it is flat out obscene! So let me just spell it out for all those that are wondering:
1. If you're a Baal Teshuva and have experienced the "joys of sex" at any point in your life listen carefully: If the thought of touching or kissing him makes you want to throw up, that isn't likely to change after you marry him. Since you already know what it's like to be intimate, have sexual desire, and feel attraction - that is HIGHLY unlikely to grow at any point in time.
2. If he's not complementing you now, or is behaving like an ice cold jerk - it's not likely due to tznius. It's probably because he's an ice cold jerk that is hiding behind the guise of Torah.
3. Hashem will and always does provide. But if your husband doesn't have a degree, an education, or a trade to fall back on - he will likely provide little more than 20 shek/hour at a minimum wage job, or a kollel salary. If you can live with that, then in all seriousness, kol hakavod to you. I can't. Then again, I'm shallow (see a few paragraphs above).
Needless to say, I think I've properly vented all of my frustrations about shadchan's that I can possibly think of for the timebeing. That being said, it's about time that I make an official delcaration and call out for all the world to hear.
Calling all Shadchan's, Calling all Shadchan's... in the immortal words of Donald Trump: YOU'RE FIRED!
I'm only working with one Shadchan from here on out, and HE's the best there is. I'll send him my 200 shekels as soon as I can find the address.
And while I'm certain he still is right around the next corner - I am becoming nearly as certain that he's not going to be coming through any Shadchan I've met here so far.
The best way I can describe my meetings with Shadchan's is that it's the psychological equivalent to an OB/GYN exam. Painful, embarrassing, but unfortunately necessary. There are some Shadchan's that attempt to be kind and sensitive; however, the majority seem more focused on judging personal preferences, criticizing, or trying to sell broken wares. I'm tired of it! And I know a lot of other people are too.
Today I met with Shadchan #37. I was criticized for not wanting to date someone that is shorter than 5'6". I am 5'5" tall and in my 32 years of both religious and secular dating, I have never been physically (or shall I call it what it really is) sexually attracted to someone shorter than that height. I am a grown woman and know myself rather well. Does this make me shallow? If so - then so be it! I'm shallow. Whew, the cat's out of the bag now. I also incurred a slight criticism for wanting to marry someone with a "parnassah" - a real one I might add. Not someone that works a minimum wage job, with no education, and is "finding himself" at Yeshiva. How dare I lack bitachon and faith that H-shem will provide. I ought to go back to Yiddishchite 101 and learn that every good frum girl must strive to live an ascetic lifestyle of deprivation in a torn-down tenament apartment. Or wait, was that Buddhism?!?
Or, how about the two Shadchan's that spent 50 out of our 60 minute discussion speaking about themselves? No matter how many times I tried to refocus the conversation on my shidduch, they veared off in a dementia-like tirade about some story or other that really had no application to the situation AT ALL. And then I still had to pay them their 100 shekels for the pleasure of their conversation - which might have been worth it if they even made an ounce of sense!
Or, what about the good majority of them that don't even take the time to return a simple phone call. How hard is it? Why is your time any more important than mine? Pick up the phone - CALL ME BACK!!! It's not rocket science. I leave a message. You call back. Not so hard, right?
And we can't forget those that actually do answer the phone, but won't spend 3 minutes exploring other possibilities or opportunities since it's been five months since our last meeting. How hard is it to give me three minutes of your time? You're still earning an average of 40 shekel per minute based on what I paid you. Talk to me for goodness sake!
Or, what about those other Shadchan's that promise not to waste my time and will only send me people that are "good potentials." Well, one of those sent me a man that I sensed upon my first meeting had a serious anger issue. (The fact was later confirmed that he was a former drug dealer/user and used to beat his girlfriend). But hey, he had some good references from some great Rabbi's! My question is - how can I spot this fact in 45 minutes and the Shadchan (with years of experience and a professional MSW background) didn't seem to see it. Could it possibly be the fact that his dad was a big donor to the Yeshiva played a role? Call me skeptical - but I have to wonder if I would have been the Korban to retain a happy donor.
Or, how about those other Shadchan's that meet you for an hour, take their 200 shekels, and then never call again. Oh wait - they were mentioned above in the "why don't you call me back" section.
I'm certainly trying as hard as I can. I'm doing my hishtadlus. But I don't have the koach to deal with "them" anymore.
And I think that's what it all boils down to. I'm calling them every two weeks. I'm being as kind, honest, and straightforward about what I'm looking for as I possibly can be. And up until today, I was facing it all with a certain level of optimism. And, in all fairness, some of them are actually listening. Some of them are decent. Some of them have even becomes friends. And I send a HUGE THANK YOU to those Shadchan's that have at least listened to my needs, respected them, and sent me some decent suggestions. Truth is - (most) of the dates haven't been nearly as painful as the process itself. The men have been nice, kind, and some have even been slightly normal.
What I don't understand is why so many of these Shadchan's are trying to make me feel "guilty" about what I'm looking for, or try to make me feel like I'm asking for too much. Why shouldn't I want everything for the most important decision of my life? It's not like I'm asking for things that I, myself, haven't accomplished. I've worked hard in my life. I went to a good University, I have a good career, I study Torah diligently, I'm a kind person, and I also am not half-bad looking. When looking for a partner shouldn't I want some common ground? I'm also pretty smart - just born that way - I take no credit on my own. But that being said, how can someone dare tell me that intelligence is not so important? Another shadchan insisted that I consider going out again with a man that I had to speak slowly to and change my vocabulary as if I were speaking to a 10 year old? I should go out again? Are they insane? Don't they know what they are doing to people's lives?
And that is my greatest concern here - not just my life, but what this process is doing to a lot of other people as well.
Since I've been in Eretz Yisrael, I've seen many weddings. Very quick, "haredi-style", run to the Chupah in 6 dates and get married kind of things. Some have resulted in beautiful marriages. But there are others - too many for my comfort level - that are already on the rocks in less than a year. Marriages that had red flags with neon highlights waving from 80 foot high flagpoles. But some brilliant Shadchan somewhere - talked them into it. Told them things like: Attraction will grow. Or he doesn't complement you because it's not tznius - I'm sure he'll warm up after you're married. Or don't worry about parnassah, Hashem will provide. While there's an element of truth in each one of these statements, the general majority of it is flat out obscene! So let me just spell it out for all those that are wondering:
1. If you're a Baal Teshuva and have experienced the "joys of sex" at any point in your life listen carefully: If the thought of touching or kissing him makes you want to throw up, that isn't likely to change after you marry him. Since you already know what it's like to be intimate, have sexual desire, and feel attraction - that is HIGHLY unlikely to grow at any point in time.
2. If he's not complementing you now, or is behaving like an ice cold jerk - it's not likely due to tznius. It's probably because he's an ice cold jerk that is hiding behind the guise of Torah.
3. Hashem will and always does provide. But if your husband doesn't have a degree, an education, or a trade to fall back on - he will likely provide little more than 20 shek/hour at a minimum wage job, or a kollel salary. If you can live with that, then in all seriousness, kol hakavod to you. I can't. Then again, I'm shallow (see a few paragraphs above).
Needless to say, I think I've properly vented all of my frustrations about shadchan's that I can possibly think of for the timebeing. That being said, it's about time that I make an official delcaration and call out for all the world to hear.
Calling all Shadchan's, Calling all Shadchan's... in the immortal words of Donald Trump: YOU'RE FIRED!
I'm only working with one Shadchan from here on out, and HE's the best there is. I'll send him my 200 shekels as soon as I can find the address.
posted by Rachel Tova | 2/27/2006 04:36:00 PM
1 Comments:
Thanks Rick. This was definitely worth a good laugh... especially since you used to be my co-worker. ;)
Most all though, thank you for the Bracha. May you find your b'sheret soon too. And may we both be blessed to dance at each other's weddings - Detroit Living Energy-style (but with a mechitzah of course)! ;) Send my love to the crew. Missing you all... always! -R
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