Learning to Live

It's been a few weeks since I've been recovering from a 5 year long illness. (See: A Life Unknown). And it's harder than I thought it would be to be free again. After all these years of just surviving, I've learned that I simply don't remember how to live. For the last five years, I've moderated all that I do. Learned to "live without" that which wasn't a necessity. Learned to accept that some things were just different. And forced myself to find a better way within these limitations. There are no limitations anymore... but I haven't yet been able to accept that reality. I simply don't know what to do with it...

I have so much free time lately. It's not anymore time than I've had in the past... it's just not being taken up by naps, doctors appointments, and strategizing how to get well. I had spent so much mental energy fighting this illness, not giving in, and battling for my life. I just never thought about what I'd do once I won. And now I'm more afraid than I ever was before. My brain, body, and soul feels completely empty, and I don't even know where to start filling it up again.

It is a perfect time for this, because Yom Kippur is a time of completely emptying out. But just as Yom Kippur ends, we move right into Sukkot - a time of building. Immediately as Yom Kippur comes to a close, it's time to build a Sukka. An empty vessel can't stay empty for long. It needs to be built up again. That's true Teshuva. Not much comes from standing before leveled ground and doing nothing with it.

So now, I stand before a beautiful, expansive, and fertile piece of ground just waiting for an architect to design it. I could plant flowers. Create a beautiful building. Bring in horses, birds, and butterflies. Maybe even create a peaceful flowing stream for people to rest by. So much potential. The land... this land... has been slashed and burned to perfection. It is now prime for any plans that someone with some vision and dedication might have. But where are the plans? And who is the architect? I'm not ready to volunteer for the job - I don't want it!

But no one else is qualified for this job. I know the land better than anyone. But until I'm ready for the project - it's just going to sit there. Literally. And every moment of vacancy, the soil loses a few more ounces of rich nutrients it needs to grow the seeds for the future. But I don't want the job now. Because I know a little secret that most don't learn until much later in life.

I know that I could put all my heart and soul into rebuilding it, and in one moment... it can be leveled. See, when I first built up this piece of land, it was pretty nice. Filled with pretty things, big accomplishments, and abundant wealth. Then an earthquake leveled it completely. But I had insurance, so I built again - a bit smaller though. And hurricane winds blew the structures down. And so I built yet again... until a flood came. That was enough. After that many "Acts of G-d", I got the message he was sending and finally just burned the rest down myself. There was nothing left to salvage anymore. And my mission was to start again. And I knew that only timeand G-d would make that ground fertile again. I did have an architects vision back then.

And I was right.

Five years later. Fertile ground. Endless possibilities. A forest of trees, plush grass, beautiful flowers, flowing vines, and delicious fruits waiting in the parking lot to be planted. A crew sitting on the sidelines waiting for direction. And trucks filled with beautiful creatures waiting to find sanctuary in their new home. But where's the architect? When's he going to show up? I keep finding notes and scribblings of the plans from five years ago, but they don't make sense anymore. We need a new draft, a new plan, a new architect. And only one good candidate exists.

I just don't want the job right now.

So the land is going to sit a while longer.